“He’s a liar and a cheat”: My brother extorts our ailing father out of $4,000 a month – even though he has two housekeepers

My father has a clinical diagnosis of dementia and is cheated on by my brother. Supposedly he “takes care of” my father. Me and two sisters live in another state. However, dad is looked after 24/7 by two lovely ladies who do all the work. My brother visits me and claims he is “supervising”.

He gets paid $4,000 a month in cash for being a son and not a janitor. This is pathetic because he literally can’t take care of himself, let alone be responsible for another person. The two ladies who do everything for my father report that my brother does literally nothing for him.

By Christmas it became clear that my brother is lying to my father, borrowing God knows how much money with no intention of paying it back. He also has an outstanding $50,000 line of credit on the condo my father lives in, which is held in trust and owned by the four siblings.

“My brother is lying to my father, he’s borrowing God knows how much money with no intention of paying it back.”

My brother just sold his house and he owes him $175,000. My father believes that my brother will repay him for the sale of the house that he originally bought for my brother in cash.

My brother is an alcoholic and took a lavish vacation buying his daughter a car, diamond earrings, and designer clothes and jewelry. He also reports no earned income to the Internal Revenue Service and receives disability payments for anxiety. I think he is a liar and a cheat and it brings me no pleasure to say that he has been all his life.

My oldest sister has powers of attorney but she is the nicest person I have ever met. I doubt that she will take on the management of my father’s estate as she is very wealthy herself and I don’t think she cares about the money.

Not to be greedy, but part of my retirement plan was to be a part of Dad’s generosity, and now he’s separated the three sisters, apologizes to us, and yet still funds my brother’s lavish spending habits.

I honestly don’t think he has any idea what a mess my brother got himself into. I also think what my lazy brother is doing is disrespectful and illegal. Is there any advice you can send me without a power of attorney? I fear being cut off and need advice to move forward.

sad sister

Dear sad sister,

Don’t rely on your father for your retirement.

If you want to help your father and protect him from being manipulated and/or coerced into giving money to your brother, you must put your father’s interests above all else – including your own interests and fears that you will mess up the apple cart and risk your own inheritance. If everyone takes care of #1, who takes care of your dad?

Your sister has no interest in keeping track of your father’s estate. Your brother has access and influence over your father. Nobody here wants to challenge the status quo. But nothing comes from nothing, and doing nothing will only encourage your brother more. Paying money back into an estate is much more difficult than preventing the money from being taken in the first place.

talk to your sister Talk to your father about your brother. Contact your father’s bank to make them aware of his diagnosis and present evidence to prevent further transactions that could be due to your brother’s improper influence over your father and file in probate court Request for a Power of Attorney or Power of Attorney from an Independent Party.

No one wants to challenge the status quo. But nothing comes from nothing, and doing nothing will encourage your brother even more.

“A conservatory can be set up when a person becomes incompetent. In order to initiate conservatorship, an application must be made to the court,” according to Yacoba’s law firm Ann Feldman. “During the trial(s) a judge may hear evidence as to whether or not the person is genuinely incapacitated and whether s/he is incapable of making decisions for himself/herself.”

“If an individual applies for a conservator when a power of attorney is already in effect, the court may review the power of attorney before deciding on a conservator,” the law firm adds. “However, since the power of attorney does not cover all needs and the needs of the individual exceed the needs covered by the power of attorney, the court may grant guardianship.”

Your letter was 90% about your brother and all the choices – shameful or not – he made throughout his life. You clearly have unresolved feelings towards him. If you decide to take action, put it on the back burner and focus on spending time with your dad and devoting your time and energy to making sure his physical and financial health is taken care of.

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